It’s been too long since I wrote, and I decided that a tumblr challenge might help encourage me. In saying that, I have never finished one before, and I also don’t plan on doing this one day at a time type thing. But any who, It’ll be nice to write again…
Tumblr letter challenge:
Inside my head is a complete mess.
Not in the same way it used to be, thankfully. But still a mess.
I don’t hate myself the way I used to, although I can’t say I like myself all that much.
All I want to do is ask for help, but I’ve never been good at that. Everyone else seems so busy in there own life, that my problems are just old news.
Even though my life finally seems to be getting on track, I can’t help but not be happy. Maybe that’s just who I am, a sad person - but that’s not who I want to be. The one person who used to help me through it all, well she’s not around anymore, and I just feel so lost.
I used to be good at writing. At one point I even thought about making a career from it. I used to write with love, with passion. Now it’s all just words on a page. It’s just another miserable paragraph, on another miserable blog.
Word after word, in one ear - out the other. I have no time for passion - when all it does is make me miserable. Every line, every sentence was just a description of how my life wasn’t going to plan. All I had time for was the bad, because the happy was never good enough.
In the end, I’ve become exactly who I never wanted to be. My life is nothing like I ever pictured it to be, and right now I am more of a head fuck than ever. I am completely happy, and completely destroyed all at once. I have a reason to get out of bed - but I just don’t. Life was never meant to be easy… I just never expected it to be this hard for me.
(Source: saeculi-mei)
Life is far too short, so here is my list of changes:
I will do this.
For someone like me, so scared of change – life sure decided to throw a whole heap of change my way.
Here’s how I see it.
I’ll sit here, yesterday, today and tomorrow and I will sit in silence, while you bash your mother, behind her back. I’ll listen to you call her a bitch; tell me how she ruins your life day after day.
In my head, I’ll egg you on; “Go on,” I’ll say, “keep talking.” You’ll keep telling me everything you hate about your mum. You’ll tell me how she puts so much pressure on you, or how once again she got something wrong.
And for every second you speak, I’ll hold back tears. I will hold back anger towards you. I will hold back everything. Because you don’t understand how lucky you are to have her. You don’t understand, that the moment you lose her, you will realise it was all out of love. She never meant to make you sad, she just wanted you to be happy and safe. You don’t see that, because you have her. You can bash your mum all you like, because at the end of the day – when you feel guilty… you can go and tell her you love her. You can hug her. You can kiss her.
Not me though. For every moment I wish I could take back, every moment I wish I told her I love her, I can go and visit a headstone down the road. I can sit twelve feet above my Mum on the solid ground, where I’ll cry for every mistake. I’ll cry for every I love you I never got to say. I’ll cry for my future, without her guiding me.
It’s better than it used to be. I used to feel like I didn’t have a purpose, I didn’t want to live. Medication didn’t help me all, other than making me feel so numb I hated myself more. I slept all day, and watched telly all night – that was my circle of life. But now, now I get out of bed every day, by 8am. I wish I could say I do it for myself, or I do it because I am happier, but I don’t… I do it for my Dad. He gives me a reason to get up in the morning, to try and live everyday.
Ever since Mum died, everything has been harder… as you would expect though. But, sometimes I think I held myself together too well at the start. I told myself I was strong enough, I let everyone believe I was fine.
But the truth is; now I’m not. And I don’t know what the fuck to do about it.
It’s really hard to cry for help, when you’re convinced your every move pisses at least one person off. The worst of it all is that; I sit here writing this, in hopes that one of my friends might read it. In the hopes that someone I love will see it, come to me, hug me and tell me everything will be okay.
But that won’t happen. It never does. That’s the downside to this. Writing it out is so easy. But saying it? Letting those words break through your lips?
That’s a different story.
Every day there is a new challenge thrown my way, and I just wish I could run to her for help. That just makes it harder though, when the person who made you seem so strong, is no longer around to help you stand tall. People keep telling me, it gets easier – but I can tell you that I highly doubt that. Maybe it will become easier to control my emotions, maybe easier to keep strong throughout the day. But easier in general, no. It will never become easy, because all those life changing moments, where she should be just a few steps from me – she won’t be. Every great moment, is followed by a punch in the gut, and the tears that follow, where I cry for my Mum.
They say ignorance is bliss, - but it’s only bliss until you cross that threshold into hell, reality hits you like a punch in the gut – and you realize that your whole world has crumbled at your feet.
Breath it in. Hold it in. Breath it out.
Do you remember what you used to stand for? The morals you once thought you would grow with. Do you remember your perception of the world as a child? Can you now see everything you missed? How naïve you once were?