roaringfox asked: I know i've told you before, but just in case you need reminding, if you need to talk. I'm so glad to hear that the cancer is lessening with your mother.

It’s funny…
I wrote about how I was too scared to accept this. I was too scared that I would believe it, only to have it all taken away from me.

I was right.

Just over three weeks after they told us how great it was working, they turned around and told us mum was no longer responding to treatment. I almost feel like I jinxed it all.

So now they have stopped treatment. She’ll start a new one soon; this is pretty much her last chance - and the worst part… It’s trial medication. She might only get a placebo.

I get that, these things need to be done, but it’s not fair. Not in any way at all. This is my mum, my best friend - and I am being asked to accept that my mum might not even get the real treatment? How can anyone ask a child to accept that, that’s their mother’s fate?

My Dad is expecting that by the end of the year, I will be mums carer. And that’s really hard for me, not only am I going to have to give up everything, it will be apart of my job to watch my mum fade away. I will do it though, with a smile on my face. For my mum, I’ll smile everyday for her, but just like now days, I will fall into my bed at the end of every day and question why this is happening to her. Why our family? Why someone as amazing as my mum?

Nine months ago, my mum was given two years. In that nine months, I have hardly thought about time. Until about a week ago. And all people have to say to me is, “Don’t worry, she’ll get better, everything will be okay.” How long can you keep saying that, before you start to see through your own words? Like I said to someone the other day, “I’m not pessimistic, I am realistic.” I don’t plan that my mum will die, I just accept that it could happen, and it’s a lot easier for me to live my live accepting that, then telling myself otherwise and having it kill me if it does happen.

I’m sorry, I started to ramble. I suppose I don’t really get to talk about this much, and it was good to get it all out…
thanks.