For a very long time, I just tried to run from everything.
I tried to run from my past, and my future – but it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when, both your past and your future look you in the face on a daily basis.

I never meant for it to be like this, all this mess I have caused.
In no way did I mean to take everything from you. And it really hurt to be accused of that. I am aware that in the past year alone, I have changed dramatically – but that is just what happens when you get hurt. You let what you’ve learned in your past; take charge in your future. I learned to become thick skinned and bulletproof. I learned that looking you in the eye never lead to anything good and a small hello seemed all but wasted. Although, I knew on the inside I was still that hurt little girl, who had no-where to run to.

I had the belief that if I treated people the way they treated me it would help.
And the response? People told me I had changed, asked who I had become.
“You, I have just become you. You treat me like this, I treat you the same.”
No-one liked that though, no-one liked a taste of their own medicine.

When it came to you, I had no idea what I was doing.

You kept telling me how much I hurt you. And that ran through my head over and over. I hurt you? I could not see how you could compare your pain, to mine.

I was the one lead on for a year. I was the one given false hope. I was the one that was lied to. And you responded by telling my that I, I hurt you. I could have laughed in your face at the time – because I was too naïve to see that I really had hurt you.

Looking back, of course I hurt you – never intentionally though.

But then, then you went and ruined any chances of me ever wanting anything to do with you again.

“Why don’t you do everyone a favour, and jump off a bridge.”

See that, there. The words you said to me because, “you didn’t think they would have any impact on me.” Ha! No your right, someone I had known for years, dated for eighteen months, and someone who’s side I stayed by for a year, in the hopes that one day you would say you wanted me back -  you’re words wouldn’t effect me, right?

Wrong.

It always bothered me that, you thought I didn’t fight for you. That you just thought, that now that I was happy with someone else that I just stopped caring about you. But I guess the blame for that can only come back to me. But do you know what, fighting for you became too hard, and too wasted. It caused unwanted drama and tension in my relationship, and too many nights of crying. So you’re right – I gave up.

Over time, I watched you from a distance. You changed. The people you surrounded yourself with encouraged this change. From where I was sitting, all I could see in you was anger and violence. I would laugh in my head, it was amazing the difference between the boy I met, and the boy standing in front of me.

You – as you put it, ‘tried reaching out to me’ via messages, facebook ECT. And you’re right, trying to talk to me, would get you as far as talking to a brick wall would. I wasn’t ready to talk to you. Currently, I am not sure if I am ready now.

But what did you expect from me? Really, tell me?

“Oh, it’s been a while… That’s right, because you told me that if I were to commit suicide it would be of benefit to the community. But never mind that, how are you? How’s the family?”

Here’s something you don’t know. I forgave you for saying that to me a long time ago. In fact, it was probably the best thing you could have done. Want to know why? Because it made me not care about you. I didn’t even hate you. You did not deserve my thoughts, nor my hatred. You had stooped to the low of lows, and kicked me while I was down. You took my past, and you just rubbed it in. And in that moment, I stopped caring.

Your presence in the room just became another body. You became a stranger, or close enough. I had no idea who you where anymore – and I didn’t waste my time trying to get to know you.

But now, now we’ve just become the big pink elephant sitting in the room. Haven’t we?

In the end, I don’t know what I did to deserve the accusation you made against me last night. Not only did you not even confront me, or Jono about it, you asked a friend, as if they wouldn’t share – you asked if I was the reason you weren’t there.

I will say it once… I am not a bad person.

Since we stopped talking, I have not said a bad word about you to our friends. I have never asked once, for you to not to be asked over and I have never asked a single person to choose between you and I. Never. Although, from what I have heard, you have. But that’s another story, another explanation I would love to hear.

With the snap of my fingers, I had the power to take it all. Your friends, your band, everything. But I didn’t. Because I have always stuck to the mind set, that these people, our friends, they were your friends first. And in no way, did I have any right to take that away from you. I fought for you.

But you don’t see that. I never expected you to.

In closing of this – although I can promise you, that I have a lot more to say to your face – I just want to say that I am sorry. I am sorry that you feel as though I would do that. I am sorry for hurting you. But, things can’t just go back to how they were. I’m not saying I want to stick with this whole not talking thing, like you it crossed my mind that we’ve known each other for years now, and it’s sad that this is what our friendship has come to. You’re not my best friend anymore, and you will never be again. But for now, a fresh start maybe, so,

Hi, I’m Tia.